Them Poor Cows

I was astandin’ there on the north side of O Street underneath one of them awnin’s, it was a terrible hot afternoon, watchin’ a new buildin’ goin’ up on the other side the street, when I seen them a comin’ along the sidewalk. Bein’ a hayseed myself, I could tell in a minit they was farmers, that is, the man was a farmer and the woman was his wife, I reckon. He was big an’ tall an’ broad-shouldered and she was almost’s tall an’ slim an’ neat lookin.

Bein’ interested in the construction of that there new store that was goin’ to be some lay-out when it was finished, I hadn’t much noticed folks around me; but them two sorta attracted my attention at last with their loud talkin’, quarrelin’ I reckon you’d call it. Anyway, they was havin’ a argument about somethin’.

He kept sayin’ “I will” and she kept sayin’ “You will not.” Then he said, “Now, Susan, you have been wantin’ that watch a long time, I promised it to you for your birthday. I have the money to spare and so I am going to buy it for you this afternoon.”

Then she said: “Now, John, you know as well as I do that there are a lot of things we need more than I need that watch. Junior needs a whole new outfit before school starts. A boy can’t wear rags to High School.

Then he flares up: “Who said Junior has to wear rags to High School or any other school? Nevertheless, I’m goin’ in and buy that watch.”

By this time they was purty close to me an’ right in front of Smythe’s Jewelry Store, a real high class store, you know, that sells swell watches an’ diamond rings an’ spensive things like that. I kinda glanced around outa the corner of my eye jest in time to see her stick out her foot in a little black shiny slipper with a spike heel, I reckon they call it, jest as he started to step up onto the entrance-way of the store.

He come down ker-plunk, full-length on that cement sidewalk; boy, I never seen anyone fall so hard before in my life. And when he was goin’ down he collided with her an’ knocked her down too, only she never hit quite so hard, an’ when she started to fall she knocked me down too. I kinda landed on top a them so’s I weren’t hurt so much. It all happened squick’s a cat could blink it’s eyes, but not too quick for me to see how hard he hit that walk.

I picked myself up an’ was aflexin’ my right arm back an’ forth to see if it was busted when a cop stepped up to me an’ says: “What’s all this commotion about anyhow?”

I looked around at him an’ then at that farmer alayin’ there on the side-walk yet, not movin’ a muscle, an’ his wife atryin’ to get up an’ moanin’ an’ cryin’ “I didn’t mean to hurt him. John, get up. I didn’t mean to hurt you, John,” and I says: “Darned if I know, Officer.”

Jest then a ambulance bumped agin the curb, a doctor in white coat an’ pants hopped out an’ two more cops appeared from nowhere: toodle-de-dum, jest like that, right out of the thin air. They picked up Mr. Farmer an’ shoved him in the ambulance, helped the sobbin’ Mrs. In, the young doctor interne, I reckon you’d call him, hopped back in an’ they rambled off down the street.

One of the cops took ahold of my arm an’ says: “You come ride with me.” So I got in his car with him an’ we started down the street after the ambulance.

“Where we goin’?” I asks, “to jail?”

“No” he says, “We’re goin’ to the hospital first to see if any of you guys got any bones broken. If that other guy don’t show no signs of comin’ to, then we can talk jail. Jest who are you fellers, anyway?”

“Me?” I says. “Why, I’m Ned Jones, the hired man out to Prairie Hill Farm, I work for Mr. Jim Wetherly, four miles out due south, first house past the corner on the west side the road.”

“That’s okay, but who are the others, and how did you happen to all tumble in a heap on O Street? Who started the fight?”

“Darned if I know who they are, Officer, I never seen ‘em before in my life,” I says. I was jest standin’ there in front of Smythe’s Jewelry store an’ he started to go in to buy her a wrist watch an’ she stuck out her foot an’ tripped him an’ they both fell down an’ they knocked me down too.

“Uhhuh, a wrist-watch at Smythe’s Jewelry store,” says the cop kinda funny like. “A wrist-watch was stolen from that store some time yesterday an’ they ain’t found out yet who took it.”

“So” says I to myself, “things is pickin’ up.”

But jest then we arrived at the hospital an’ the cop says: “This way, Brother.”

Now I know I ain’t his brother but it pays to humor them cops or they might run you in for somethin’, resistin’ a officer, I reckon they all it, so I says “Okay” an’ we went into the hospital an’ down a long hall an’ into a place they call a emergency room.

That same young interne in the white coat an’ pants felt me all over if any of my bones was broke, put some salve on my bruises, an’ says: “You’re all hunky-dory,” or words to that effect.

So then me an’ the coy went down the long hall agin to a great big room with couches an’ rockin’ chairs all around, waitin’ room I reckon you call it. Anyhow we sat down on one of them couches an’ waited.

Pretty soon in walked Mrs. Farmer with one of them cops, lookin’ kinda pale an’ shook up like. I mean Mrs. Farmer looked pale an’ shook up, not the cop. I reckon she didn’t have no bones broke though, or nothin’ else the matter, or they’d a slapped her into a bed an’ said she had to have a operation.

I nodded to her an’ says: “How do you feel?” After goin’ through all this experience together I felt we oughta be sort of acquainted by now.

But she jest nodded sorta stiff.like an’ says: “Very well, I thank you.” You coulda knocked me down with a feather.

“Do you know this young man?” one of the cops says to her.

“I never saw him before in my life,” she says.

“Well” says the cop, “him an’ you an’ your husband all fell in a heap over on O Street. I guess he happened to get up first before you noticed him. An’ now can you tell us why you tripped your husband and made him fall?”

At this the young woman began cryin’ agin, you could see she had been cryin’ before because her eyes was all red. Gosh, I hate to see a woman cry, it makes me feel’s if I’d done somethin’ I oughtn’t.

Well, she cried a minit an’ then she says “I jest couldn’t let him go in there an’ buy that wrist.watch for me when I already had one, but he doesn’t know about it.”

“You mean you acquired one jest recently unknown to your husband?” asks the cop.

“Yes, she says, “You see, a young man that boards at our place gave me one yesterday for my birthday. But he doesn’t make much money so he had to buy it on the installment plan an’ my husband doesn’t approve of that. So I have not told him about it yet, and of course, am not wearing it.”

Gosh, it was hard to say all that jest like she said it, but I reckon I got most of the words right anyhow. I never was much on this makin’ purty speeches.

“At what store did your friend buy this watch?” the cop asked sort a quicklike.

“Let me see,” she says, “At the Eagle Jewelry Store on N Street.”

“Oh” says the cop. Then he asks; “You got the watch with you?”

“I just said I haven’t ever worn it yet,” she says. An’ you could see she didn’t have it on neither wrist.

So the cop says: “Okay, but the doctor says your husband must stay here a few hours. Can you come back for him this evenin’, about eight or eight.thirty?”

“This young man,” he goes on to say further, “can maybe help you find your car and drive home. He seems to be trustworthy.”

I sorta snorted at that and says: “Sure I’m trustworthy. Jim’d trust me with any horse or cow, or piece of machinery he’s got on the place. But it sure is time I’m gettin’ home to do them chores. Jim’ll think I got kidnapped.”

I didn’t know whether she would go with me or not but reckoned she finally tumbled to the fact that I was better company’n one of them cops, so she walked through the big revolvin’ door an’ down the steps with me.

We went three or four blocks down the street to where her an’ her husband had parked their car that afternoon. Me? I’d gone in on the bus and figured on goin’ back the same way. What’s the use of drivin’ a car when a great big nice bus goes right past your place, I mean your boss’ place.

Well, their car was where they’d left it all right but so was another one of them cops, leanin’ up agin a post close by an’ awatchin’ us outa the corner of his eye as we got close to the car.

“By the great horn spoon,” says I, “ain’t there anything in this town today but cops?”

“You drive,” she says, real low.

So I slipped in behind the wheel’s if I owned the car, but how I was goin’ to work all them gadgets on a strange car right off the bat, especially when I didn’t know nothin’ about a car anyhow, was beyond me. But I needn’t ‘ve worried.

What’s this?” says I, meanin’ a piece a paper fastened to the steerin’ wheel;

She turned around real quick an’ looked at it an’ says, “It’s an overtime ticket the cop gave us. What next?”

“Sure” says that there cop astraightenin’ up an’ steppin’ over to the car. “You better go on to the police court an’ pay your fine. That car’s been astandin’ there three hours an’ this is a twenty minute parkin’ place.

“Can you beat it?” says I. “Them cows’ bags’ll bust if I don’t git home purty soon to do that milkin’.”

But she started off so I went along after her. “I got to see her home, I says to myself. “That cop says I’m trustworthy.”

Jest then I heard footsteps behind me an’ shore anuff there was that cop right behind us. He says, jest’s if he was doin’ us a favor, “I’ll show you the way.”

So we went along after him then when he turned a corner an’ purty soon we found ourselves in a big, bare, ugly, dusty room what had a big desk at one end. An’ behind the desk there was a great big, brawny guy what looked like another one of them cope only he had on a sorta different riggin’, a uniform I reckon you call it.

The cop what brung us says somethin like this: “Yer Honor, their car was parked three hours in a twenty minit parkin’ space. They says they been to the hospital but they don’t look like they been in no accident.”

“Where’s your driver’s license?” says the police judge I reckon you’d call him, to me.

“Me?” says I. “I ain’t got no driver’s license. I don’t own no car. What do you think I am anyway, one of these ‘ristocrats?”

“The car’s mine an’ my husband’s,” she says, bustin’ in on the nice polite conversation I was beginnin’ to have with that police judge. “I have a driver’s license an’ I’ll pay the fine,” she says.

“And this is not your husband with you?” asks the judge.

“Why no,” she says, sorta surprised. “My husband’s in the hospital. This is a neighbor an’ he was going to see me safely home.”

That made me feel sorta puffed up, callin’ me a neighbor when I’m really only the neighbor’s hired man. But Jim always does treat me ‘sif I was as good as him any day.

So then she opened up that big, fancy pocket.book she carried, hand.bag I reckon she called it, an’ begun to feel around among all the things she had in there, lookin’ for some money, I reckon, or her driver’s license. Finally she pulled out a little purse what had got stuck down in one corner, but a watch’d caught on it and fell out, right on top of the judge’s desk; a cute little gold wrist.watch with a gold bracelet fastened on it an’ some tiny diamonds around the edge.

She snatched it up real quick an’ started puttin’ it back in her hand.bag, but that police judge jest reached out his big hand an’ says: “Hold on a minit”.

He picked up the watch an’ held it face-up right square in front of him an’ the diamonds around the edge, there was six of ‘em, I had time to count ‘em then, sparkled right up at him. It sure was a purty little watch, but a funny shape, it had six sides, I fergit what they call it.

Then that police judge opened a drawer of his desk an’ pulled out a paper an’ there was a picture of a watch jest the same size as this one, an’ jest exactly like it, six diamonds an’ all. You see, there was a diamond at each one of them six corners.

“That your watch?” he asks real solemn.like of her.

She turned so white I thought she was goin’ to faint or somethin’, but she perked her head up real straight an’ says: “Yes, Your Honor, a friend gave it to me yesterday”

“Where did he get it?” he asks real savage like.

“He bought it at the Eagle Jewelry Store on N Street and gave it to me for my birthday,” she says.

“Why ain’t you wearin’ it then, ‘stead of keepin’ it in your hand bag an’ tryin’ to hide it when it falls out?” he wants to know. “Can’t you see it’s exactly like this one in this here picture? An’ that’s the watch that was stolen yesterday from Smythe’s.”

Mrs. Farmer jest stood there alookin’ kinda white an’ asnappin’ the fastener on her hand.bag open an’ shut, open an’ shut, til I felt like takin’ it away from her an’ sayin’, “Don’t do that, it makes me so nervous.” However I controlled my feelin’s wonderfully.

“Well” she says after a while, “I was not wearin’ it because my husband doesn’t like extravagance an’ it looked like a very expensive watch. Then he was goin’ to buy me a watch himself for my birthday, but I couldn’t let him get me another when I already had one , so I tripped him when he started into Smythe’s to buy it . Then this watch was bought on time, five dollars down, an’ my husband would not approve of that.” Mrs. Farmer ‘peered to be tuckered out by this recital an’ dropped into the nearest chair.

“Where does this young man work?” asked the judge.

“At Smythe’s Jewelry Store,” Mrs. Farmer answered. “There are several things we gotta straighten out here an’ now,” says the judge, “or I shall have to arrest you an’ your friend for the theft of that watch.”

“That is, if we can find this friend,” he ruminates further. “Maybe he is clear outa the country by now. “Who is he anyway, an’ how come he buys you presents?”

That judge an’ all them cops sure want to know who everybody is, but I reckon that’s a part of their bizness. They oughta know.

“No, Yer Honor” she says real quick, in answer to one of his questions, I fergit which one. “I think you’ll find him at home now, he gets off at five. Far as I know he was at the store to.day an’ yesterday too, only he took sick about three yesterday afternoon an’ they let him off.”

“His name’s Tom Cassidy,” she explains further, “he’s an old friend of John’s who came to our place to stay while he looked around for a job. He finally found one at Smythe’s but they don’t pay him very much an’ he wanted to stay on at our place an’ work for his board. So John let him stay. He’s never give me an expensive present before, just a little trinket now an’ then.”

“H’m’m” says the Judge, “What’s your phone number?” “Bill” he says, “call Rural 6712.” That is , a course, after she told him what the phone number was.

The cop what was evidently named Bill went to the telephone booth an’ did as directed, but no answer. “H’m’m” says the Judge.

“He’s probably doin’ the chores,” says Mrs. Farmer, “an’ wonderin’ why in the world we don’t come home, I mean my husband and I. If you keep ringing he can hear it from the barn.” An she settled down more comfortable.like in her chair, sure an’ certain that everything would be all right now.

“While you wait,” says the Judge, “call Smythe’s an’ ask the manager if he can step over here for a few minutes after he closes up.”

“While I wait,” says I to myself real low, “I could do with a little bite a supper.” I was beginnin’ to feel the pangs a hunger real extensively, I reckon you’d call it, bein’ as Mrs. Jim always has her meals on time. An’ I don’t mean on the installment plan either, the whole meal’s there all to once, an’ plenty of it. “But Gosh, them cows,” I says to myself agin, “they ain’t milked yet.”

Then the cop named Bill called Rural 6712 agin an’ jest kept the phone aringin’. After two or three minutes of that, I heard clear across where I sat somebuddy yell at t’other end the line, “Well, here I am, even if I did have to quit milkin’ right in the middle of a cow. What the heck do you want?”

“Come down to police headquarters at once,” says Bill, “Mrs. Farmer’s here an’ her husband’s in the hospital an’ she needs your assistance.”

“Holy smoke,” we heard at th’other end.

“How long will it take him to get here?” asks the judge.

“About fifteen minutes,” says she, “if he catches a ride. Our car is here in town an’ it’s not time for a bus now.”

“Yep” I says, “there sets that car a yours yet in that twenty minute parking space.”

“Bill” says the judge, “you know the car. Go bring it up here.”

“Bill seems to be the hired man around this joint,” says I kinda low to myself agin.

So Bill departed an’ another guy walked in.

“Sorry to trouble you, Mr. Smythe, says the Judge. “But we got a little something here we got to straighten out. Is this the watch that was missing from your store yesterday?”

“Well, it is an’ it isn’t,” says the evidently Mr. Smythe. “It’s the exact duplicate of our watch no. 17243, shown here in this picture you have, but our watch is over at the store in the showcase, right now.”

“What?” says the judge, his eyes gettin’ most as big’s saucers. “I thought that watch was stolen from your store yesterday.”

“One of our clerks got panicky an’ reported it stolen, because he couldn’t find it at closing time. But it came in this morning,” says Mr. Smythe. “Another one of our clerks, Tom Cassidy, had let a woman take it for over night when she left a watch to be repaired. He felt so badly we let him go home about three o’clock an’ he forgot to make out a ticket for it, so none of us knew about it.”

“Your stories seem to jibe so far,” says the judge. “Now if we can find out where Tom Cassidy got this other watch an’ if it’s paid for.”

“He bought it at the Eagle Jewelry Store on N Street and paid five dollars down,” says Mrs. Farmer. “I don’t know how much more there is to pay.”

“Bill, call the Eagle an’ see if there’s anyone there yet, an’ ask ‘em if they sold a diamond set watch to Tom Cassidy yesterday, five dollars down,” the judge calls out to Bill agin. He sure kept him on the jump.

“Yep” says Bill in a few minutes, “they sold Tom Cassidy a watch but them ain’t diamonds, they’re jest imitations, an’ that ain’t a gold case either, an’ it wasn’t bought on no installment plan, five dollars was all it cost. They was havin’ a sale on some of their cheaper watches yesterday.”

“H’m’m” says Mr. Smythe, “then it’s just a cheap imitation of mine, and I thought mine was an exclusive model.”

Jest then Tom walked in, or we soon found out it was Tom. He was a nice-lookin’ chap an’ there was somethin’ about him I liked right at first, he looked so honest an’ above-board. I sure was sorta puzzled about his installment story on the watch.

“What’s wrong, Susan?” he asks, lookin’ scared.

But for once she don’t answer.

“Did you buy this watch yesterday at the Eagle Jewelry Store?” asks the judge, pointin’ to the watch still layin’ there on his desk.

“Sure” says Tom, “paid five dollars for it an’ gave it to Susan for her birthday.”

“And told me the five was only a down payment and made me think it was a valuable watch, “she busts out, lookin’ madder’n hops at him. I almost felt sorry for him.”

“I had to pay the five in order to get the watch, an’ that’s what I told you, “Tom answers back.

“You see, your Honor,” he says to the judge, “these people have been swell to me. They took me in when I had no place else to go, an’ treat me as if I was their brother. I thought it would be nice if I could give her something for her birthday, and she’s been wanting a watch for a long time. But I was ashamed it cost so little and tried to make her think it cost more.”

“H’m’m” says the Judge. “I guess this little matter’s straightened out as far’s the court’s concerned. You’re at liberty to go, Mr. Smythe. And you, too, Mrs. Farmer, “he says further, “sorry we caused all this disturbance about a watch that was never stolen. You’re at liberty to go, here’s your watch.”

“Give it to Mr. Cassidy,” she says, “he bought it an’ paid for it.”

Mr. Cassidy give her a kind a hurt look, picked up the watch an’ walked out.

I happened to turn around jest in time to see Mrs. Farmer’s eyes look real bright an’ happy all of a sudden an’ then she jumped up outa her chair an’ ran out the door after him.

“Wait a minit,” says I, “you ain’t paid that fine yet on that car. You can’t go home yet.” An’ run out after her.

I stopped outside the door when I seen her standin’ there on the sidewalk talkin’ to Cassidy, still you see I was close ‘nuff to hear what she said.

She says, “Don’t you see, Tom, how that makes it all right, so we can all be jolly friends again? John will not mind if I accept a five dollar watch from you, but l couldn’t let you give me one that cost twenty five or thirty dollars. I was carrying it in my bag because I was just afraid to tell John about it, and yet I wanted it so much. It is a little beauty. I knew I really ought not to keep it, though.”

She stops a minit to ketch her breath an’ then starts in agin: “You wait here a minute til I see about that fine, then we’ll all drive over to the hospital and see if John is ready to go home. On the way home we can tell him all about it an’ then he’ll know why I gave him that dreadful fall on the sidewalk.”

“Okay, Susan,” Tom says, “Whatever you say.”

“There’s no fine,” says the judge as she comes back in the door an’ me right behind her. “We’ll just let that go on account of causing you all this annoyance. I said a while ago that you were at liberty to go home any time you get ready.”

“Then why don’t you go?” says I. “I’m in a terrible hurry to git home an’ milk them cows.”

So she says “Thank you” to the judge an’ walked out. Not wantin’ to be left behind I walked out right after her.

Out on the sidewalk she stopped an’ turned to me kinda natural-like ‘sif she thought it was all right for me to be there an’ says: “Well, that’s that.” Then she takes a big deep breath an’ says further, “Now you an’ I an’ Tom are goin’ over to the hospital an’ get John an’ then go home. What do you suppose John will think of our escapades this afternoon?”

“I’m sure I don’t know what he thinks,” says I, “but I know what I think. Jim never will trust me to go to town agin by myself even in broad daylight if I don’t git home pretty soon an’ milk them cows.”